Stronger

Over this past week, there's been a lot of comments made to me about "strength" and being "strong." It always baffles me when someone says that to me. Or even more confusing is when they compliment my strength and say that there's no way they'd be able to handle something the way I did. But what is strength? Merriam Webster defines strength as:

1: the quality or state of being strong : capacity for exertion or endurance
2: power to resist force : solidity, toughness
3: power of resisting attack : impregnability
4 a: legal, logical, or moral force / b: a strong attribute or inherent asset
5 a: degree of potency of effect or of concentration / b: intensity of light, color, sound, or odor / c: vigor of expression
6: force as measured in numbers : effective numbers of any body or organization
7: one regarded as embodying or affording force or firmness : support
8: maintenance of or a rising tendency in a price level : firmness of prices
9: basis —used in the phrase on the strength of

I don't think of myself as strong most of the time. I know I am strong. I know I have a very tough exterior, and I know that I can handle a lot before I finally break. But in my eyes, I still see myself as weak, no matter how much more I can take than other people. I don't know what I would consider strong for myself. But I never consider myself strong enough. It's only in times like these that I do actually see my own strength.

But is it really strength when it comes naturally? When it's something you do without thinking? When It's just your natural instinct to go ahead and pick up the pieces and move on? Are people mistaking my innate knowledge about myself as strength? I KNOW I'm better than he'll ever be. I know I don't need him. I know I don't need that negativity and toxicity around me. And I know that while I may hurt, I'll heal, and I'll heal quickly because I know how to take care of myself. Or is that innate knowledge what strength really is?

Don't get me wrong- I'm flattered that people see it, and admire that quality about me. However, I just don't understand it. I don't see that quality in myself. It makes me feel strange to be told I'm strong. I feel like I'm so weak all the time- I feel like I let people walk all over me all the time and that I'm constantly letting myself get hurt. Those aren't qualities of someone I'd consider to be strong. I don't feel like I handle things with finesse or tact- other qualities I would attribute to strength. I feel like I fall apart when I'm most needed and I feel like I constantly let everyone down. This isn't strength- this is me making myself feel better by facing up to the problems that were there that no one wanted to acknowledge. This is me making myself bitter and beating myself by thinking about all the things I should've changed, I should've said, I should've stood up for myself over. My positivity about everything is simply my arrogance showing through.

And yet... No one believes me when I tell them any of that. They tell me I'm being modest. I laugh- I'm not modest. I never have been. I'll tell you exactly what I see in myself and whether I agree or disagree with you. Can someone explain this strength thing to me please?